Home Life FAQ’s
Parenting can be difficult and challenging. From unfinished homework, to talking back, to undone chores it seems like there is always something a parent has to deal with. Read more to learn about commonly asked questions from parents.
Are you arguing with your child?
Q: Is it normal for my child to constantly argue with me? Sometimes I feel like I am arguing with as a child myself? Everything's an argument and I am always wrong.
A: Yes, it is normal for your child to always argue with you. And you are right; it feels like arguing with a young child. You are dealing with “adolescent egocentrism,” and most adolescents go through it. It is the belief among adolescents that they should get what they want no matter what. They are focused on their end goal, and no matter what you say, you will not be able to convince them otherwise.
How do you deal with this? Don’t engage in the argument. Here are some tips to help you through:
State your answer and explain your reasoning one time.
Listen to what your child has to say.
Respond with empathy and restate your reasoning.
Don’t discuss it again.
In real life it looks something like this:
“Mom, I want to stay out until 11:30 after the dance.”
“No, the rule is that you are home by 10:30.”
“That is not fair because all of my friends get to stay out later.”
“I understand that, and I am sure it is not fun coming home earlier, but our rule is that you must be home by 10:30.”
STOP DISCUSSING
It is at this point that your children will want to engage you in an argument. There is no reason to argue because you are not changing your mind. If you do not respond, there is no one with whom they can argue.
THE PROBLEM
They are relentless. It will be hard not to re-engage in the argument. Do whatever you can so that you do not fight back. Eventually your children will learn that you won’t argue.
Allowance: To give or not to give
Q: To give or not to give?? How do I deal with allowance?
A: Allowance is a family decision. There is not right or wrong way to do it. Here are some things you need to look at when considering allowance.
Allowance tied to chores.
The positive side of allowances being tied to chores is that it can create motivation for your child to work and they see the value of work=money. There are a number of downsides to this as well. When allowance is tied to chores chores become optional. Your child can tell you that cleaning their room is not worth 3.00 and they would rather have it messy. If you are okay with chores not being done this would work fine. If, on the other hand, you insist that the chores get done it creates a problem for you.
Allowance not tied to chores.
The positive side of allowance being given this way is it is solely based on learning about money. Chores are considered what you do as part of the family. The downside is they get money no matter what their behavior is.
One suggestion from a financial magazine is the following:
Children receive equal dollars for their age. It is not tied into chores/behavior. Half of their money goes to the child, the other half goes into their own savings account. At the year end the child gives 10% away to a charity of their choice. The child controls their money. You don’t. This strategy helps teach kids how to manage their own money. If they buy something that is cheap and breaks they will learn that their money was wasted. These are skills children will use for the rest of their lives.
Building Responsibility
Q: My child is not responsible. I ask her to do things and she does not follow through. I can’t assume that she will do her homework on her own, turn in slips to her teacher or finish small jobs around the house. I am always checking in on her. How do I get her to become more responsible?
A: Building responsibility in a child is a big part of helping your child become independent and ready for the real world while building self-confidence. Oftentimes, as parents who want to help, we hinder our children by becoming too involved and not allowing natural consequences to play a role. The following are some guidelines for raising responsible kids:
Give children tasks they can handle. “You need to put all of your clean clothes into your drawers. Once that is done you can watch TV.”
See if the task is done correctly. “Mom can I watch TV? Hannah Montana is on.”
Let equal parts of empathy and consequences do the teaching. “Shoot, you are going to have to miss the show until those clothes are put away. I hope you don’t miss too much.”
Repeat the task another time.
You can use this same sequence with many of the tasks you give. Eventually, if you remain consistent, your children will do their tasks and slowly develop responsibility.
How to help kids manage their stress
Q: Everyone seems stressed these days. How can parents help their children when they experience stress?
A: Often the effects of stress on our children are overlooked. Children may not have the skills they need to deal with stress and because of it, stress can overwhelm them. Homework, exams, work, learning to drive, friends, self perception, family issues, grades, sports and college planning are just some sources of stress for students.
When students get overly stressed they may react in a myriad of ways. Some kids will withdraw, become sick, get angry, sleep too much or too little.
Here is what parents can do to help their child learn how to deal with stress and relax:
Monitor the amounts of activities in which children participate. If they are in over their head, parents may have to intervene
Listen to what your children are saying. Many times talking to them about their stress can relieve it
Teach them coping skills. Find out what relaxes them and have them use that to unwind
Encourage children to exercise and eat regularly
Reduce anxiety and agitation by having them cut back on caffeine
Focus on doing a “great” job instead of a “perfect” job
Surround your children with family and friends
Help your children change their negative talk to positive, realistic talk
All of these can help a student learn to deal with stress – something they will use all of their lives. With guidance, support, understanding and teaching, parents can help their children navigate the stress of their lives.
Watching my child is fail is hard!
Q: Why should I let my child fail?
A: Watching your children fail can feel worse than failing yourself. A parent’s innate response is to protect their children from failure. The irony here is that by protecting your child from failing you are hurting them in the process.
Here is a new way to think about failure. Failure allows children to learn how to cope and deal with the real world. Helping your children through failure will give them the skills they need to survive as they get older. Failure is inevitable at some point. When your children don’t do their homework because they ran out of time, don’t excuse it. Have them go to school and deal with the consequences. This will decrease the chances of them not getting their homework done in the future.
If your children don’t believe they got a fair grade, don’t go in and argue for them. Give your children the skills they need to self-advocate. This is another great skill they will need later in life. If your children are having problems with friends, don’t call the friends’ parents; give your children the skills they need to deal with it themselves.
By giving children the skills they need instead of rescuing them and using your skills, you will raise responsible children. Don’t take away your children’s chance to learn. You want them to learn these skills and feel failure while they are safe at home with your support.
How to avoid nagging your children
Q: I am at my wits’ end. At the beginning of the school year I decided I would not “nag” or yell at my children. It seems that that worked for a couple of weeks. I worked hard on trying to get my kids on a schedule, but it seems all my hard work has been lost. I am back to yelling, nagging and battling my children. How do I get and stay on track with my kids?
A: You are not alone. Many parents start off the year with the goal of having a calmer home. Like most goals, we work on them hard for a couple of weeks and then slowly fall back into our old patterns. Take some time to go back over your initial goals, rules, consequences and expectations and implement them again. Just because you slacked off a bit does not mean that you should throw in the towel. Here are a couple of things to help you stay grounded in the process:
Clearly state your expectations to your children and explain the consequences (both good and bad) of the expectations
Remain consistent. It is the KEY to success
Talk less: Once your children know the expectations and rules, there is no need to argue over them. Just be certain to follow through
Focus on the positive, reminding your children often about the things they are doing that make you proud
Don’t fight. If your children are used to engaging you in an argument, they will continue to try to do this. Your job is to state what you want done and what the consequences are. If you argue back, the argument will continue
In summary, the key factors for success are to explain, remain consistent and follow through.
Clothing has become expensive!
Q: Clothes are so important to my kids. The name brands they want are really expensive. Target and Kohl’s no longer work. This seemed to have happen overnight! I can’t afford to buy these clothes and yet I know how important they are.
A: Unfortunately, to kids, clothes are important. This seems to begin in early adolescents. There is a fine line between wanting your child to fit in and teaching them that “labels” do not make you who are you. Focusing on the cost and not a debate over labels, can help ease the pain of this time period. One way to deal with this is to give your child a clothing allowance. If they chose to buy one pair of 100.00 pants it is a consequence they will deal with. Another way to do this is to say, “I will put 15.00 towards that sweatshirt…you can pay the rest.” Remove the emotion and lectures and stick to the financial aspect and the issue will be more theirs than yours.
When parents don’t know new friends
Q: My son has become friends with kids I have not met before. Although I think he has good judgment, I am uncomfortable with it. When I question him, he just tells me that they are nice. Any ideas on how I deal with this?
A: As children become older they become more independent. When they were in elementary school parents knew not only the kids their children played with, but also their families. As the children go through the school years they develop different friends. These friends are often from other schools. Many times the friends reflect the changes in your children’s personality as they mature. This can be scary for parents who are not sure if these new friends are a good influence.
Here are some things to help guide you through the transition:
Trust your children. If they have been drawn to positive kids in the past, they will likely continue to be drawn to them.
If the new friends appear to be different, take time to get to know them before forming opinions. Appearances are not always accurate reflections of someone’s true personality.
Do not make negative comments about your children’s new friends. This will only solidify their friendship and isolate them from you.
Get to know the new friend’s parents. When you drop them off at their house be sure to meet the parents in person.
If your child drives, have the kids over to your house so you can get to know them.
Remind your children of your family’s values and limits. Keep expectations consistent so that your children understand that even though friends may have different rules, theirs remain the same.
New Friendships: Part 2
Q: In the last article we explored what should be done when parents are not comfortable with the new friends their children make. We left off with the question: “What if these new friends affect their behavior?”
A: If you are sure that your children’s behavior changed in a negative way with a new friend or group you must be very careful in how you deal with this. If you tell your children their new friends are bad or negative, you create a situation in which your children will defend their friends and see you as unfair.
The best way to deal with the behavior change is by dealing with the behavior. You will have to begin to discipline more, restate values and expectations, and become diligent in monitoring your children’s behavior. In addition, you will want to make sure that you are in control of how much time your children spend with their new friends. The key is to make the situation about your children and not their new group.
Here are some other ideas to help:
State the changes you see in your children.
Restate your expectations and consequences.
Limit the amount of time your children spend with their new friends.
Have the group spend time at your house where you can get to know them.
Remember, you are in control.
Resist the temptation to place blame or cut down their new friends.
This can be a really hard time in a family. If the emphasis is on the behavior your children are displaying, and not blaming new friends, it may be a little easier to get through it.
Is it okay to parent differently?
Q: My husband and I parent very differently. I tend to be more of a “yeller” while he is more passive. It drives me crazy! I think the kids get away with more things when he is around. I always end up being the bad guy. Can you give us some ideas on how to handle this?
A: Parents can parent differently but they should have the same expectations. For example, if you have an 11 p.m. curfew, both of you must agree on that and stay consistent. Here is what happens if you don’t:
Children quickly learn how to overrule a parent and get what they want.
Your marriage becomes strained.
A division will exist in your household, which is not healthy.
Couples battle each other instead of parenting together.
Parents must create a unified front – something that requires a lot of communication. Spend time working together on common consequences you can both support. When you don’t agree with your spouse, discuss it away from the kids so that sides are not drawn and used against a parent.
Raising kids can be hard, but it’s our most important job. Doing it together makes it a little easier.
Parenting through divorce
Q: Is it normal for my high school daughter to want to live with her dad and his wife? She does not want to a relationship with me, her real mother, or her half brother. I don’t know what brought about the change. She won’t talk to me about any real issues; she just says that I stress her out.
A: Without knowing the details of the family situation, it is difficult to provide a specific answer. Is it normal for a child to choose one parent over another? Absolutely. What are parents to do when they feel left out of a relationship with their children? It depends on the situation, but here is some general information about children and divorce that may be helpful.
The decision on where children live should be made by adults.
Children should not make the final decision on where they will live. Allow children to give input, but adults must make the decision based what will be best for the children. Look at the discrepancies between the two households. Is one parent better prepared to provide a structured, caring environment for the child? Are the adults in one household more like to establish and enforce reasonable rules? Will one household allow an overindulgence of material items while another is more conservative? Does one allow more freedom while the other is more confined?
Parents should work together.
Separated parents need to work hard on maintaining a relationship so that they can work together to provide consistent rules and expectations at both homes. Consequences should be as consistent as possible between the two households. It is imperative that parents do not bad mouth one another in front of the child.
A relationship with both parents is important.
If children live with one parent, it is critical that both parents reinforce the importance of spending quality time with the other parent on a set schedule. The noncustodial parent must remain involved in his or her children’s lives. It may not be in the traditional ways, but it can be through scheduled visits, phone calls, e-mails, parent-teacher conferences, attendance at the children’s activities or time spent together in a neutral location.
Get professional help if necessary.
This situation may be one that is ideal for a professional counselor to help make decisions that are best for your family, provide support for you as a mother and help rebuild the positive relationship with your daughter.
Teaching children about the value of money
Q: My children do not have jobs and they are in middle school. They are asking for money all the time. How do I teach them about money when I am buying them things?
A: Money management is one of the greatest skills that we can give our children. A study on credit card use among college-age students revealed that the average student had three credit cards and more than $1,000 debt. Children are leaving home where they have been given everything. And, they have gotten used to nice homes, cars and vacations – expecting they should have these things in college as well. You can see how easily the debt can build up.
Here are some things to consider:
Make sure you talk about how you created your wealth, home, retirement fund etc.
Explain what it was like when you first started off. Were you driving the nice car you have now or were you in a “beater” starter car?
Describe how you save money and what is important to you.
Don’t make money a taboo subject.
Start the conversation early.
If your child is asking for money you may want to consider an allowance. There are different schools of thought on allowance, but here is one that many families have used successfully:
Allowance is not tied to chores. It is given to teach children about money. Not as a punishment or reward.Children get half their age (even numbered years only) in money. For example, an 8-year-old gets $4 a week.
That $4 is divided into $2 for them to keep and $2 to put into their savings account -- which you can do easily with automatic withdrawal from your bank account to theirs.
Things they “want” can be purchased with their own money. You still buy the things they need.
They can use their savings, but make sure you show them how the money goes down each time or it becomes a “magic account” that always seems to have money in it.
Have them choose a charity of their choice in January to which they will donate 10 percent of their savings. Watch how happy this makes them!
The trick here is to make sure they are using their money and you do not interfere. Let them buy that plastic toy you know will break. It is the best hands-on learning experience you can give them.
What every child needs to be successful
Q: I know this is a BIG question, but what are some basic ways I can help my child be successful? I want to start the school year off right.
A: Research has been done on the 40 developmental assets, a list of assets that will reinforce success. The more assets children have the more likely they will have success in school. The following are some assets that you can focus on for your children. As you review them think about what is happening in your life with your family. Focus on the ones you would like to improve on and praise yourself for the ones you are already doing.
Support: Children need to feel supported within their family and community. Positive relationships with others, a caring school climate, parental involvement and positive family communication are integral for children.
Empowerment: Children need to feel they are valued and safe. In addition they should feel that they can provide resources and services to others.
Boundaries and Expectations: Children have positive adult role models and positive peer influences. There are high expectations set for the child. Boundaries within the school, community and family are very important.
Constructive Use of Time: Children are involved in activities both in and outside of the home.
Providing an environment that promotes the following assets will help your children be as successful as they can be.
When Your Children Are Left Out
Q: My daughter was not invited to a birthday part when her other friends were. She feels horrible. I am so angry at the girl’s parents for excluding my daughter. To top it all, invitations were handed out in school. What should I do? I hate to see my daughter so sad.
A: Birthday parties hold a lot of power. The birthday child becomes the “king” or “queen” of the playground as he or she selectively chooses who will be invited. The children who are left out feel sad. We parents feel horrible, but here is the bottom line: It is a birthday party. At some point in their lives, your children are bound to face a degree of social exclusion. Take this unpleasant situation and help your children understand what they are feeling and how to cope with it. The balancing act for parents is to acknowledge your children’s feelings without making it into a big deal.
Remember, it was your child who was not invited to the party, not you. You are the adult who can help your children learn a life lesson that sometimes, through no fault of their own, their feelings will be hurt. Let your children know that you are sorry that they were not invited to the party, but that it is OK. Not every child can be invited to all of them. Then move on.
Make a commitment to prevent hurt feelings by using some forethought when planning your own children’s parties.
Schools often have policies about whether invitations can be handed out in school for the very reasons you have described. Please be aware of what the policies are at your school and follow them.
When it is not possible to invite all students to a party, it’s best to mail the invites or use e-mail. This reduces the power issue of children handing out cards to only a select group.
Tell your children not to talk about their birthday parties in front of other kids. You will be teaching them about being polite – a skill they will need for a lifetime.
We so desperately want to spare our children the sad feelings that come with life. When our children are young and they are sad, this is our time to teach them so that they have the skills and resiliency to deal with similar scenarios as they get older. As we all know, the real world is not always fair.