My kids think money really grows on trees!

Teaching children about the value of money

Q: My children do not have jobs and they are in middle school. They are asking for money all the time. How do I teach them about money when I am buying them things?

 A: Money management is one of the greatest skills that we can give our children. A study on credit card use among college-age students revealed that the average student had 5.2 credit cards and average balance for the most recent month of $1,423. Children are leaving home where they have been given everything. And, they have gotten used to nice homes, cars and vacations – expecting they should have these things in college as well. You can see how easily the debt can build up.

 Here are some things to consider:

  • Make sure you talk about HOW you created your wealth, home, retirement fund etc.Explain what it was like when you first started off. Were you driving the nice car you have now or were you in a “beater” starter car?

  • Describe how you save money and what is important to you.

  • Don’t make money a taboo subject.

  • Start the conversation early.

If your child is asking for money you may want to consider an allowance. There are different schools of thought on allowance, but here is one that many families have used successfully:

  •  Allowance is not tied to chores. It is given to teach children about money. Not as a punishment or reward.

  •  Children get half their age (even numbered years only) in money. For example, an 8-year-old gets $4 a week.

  • That $4 is divided into $2 for them to keep and $2 to put into their savings account -- which you can do easily with automatic withdrawal from your bank account to theirs.

  •  Things they “want” can be purchased with their own money. You still buy the things they need.

  •  They can use their savings, but make sure you show them how the money goes down each time or it becomes a “magic account” that always seems to have money in it.

  • Have them choose a charity of their choice in January to which they will donate 10 percent of their savings. Watch how happy this makes them!

  • The trick here is to make sure they are using their money and you do not interfere. Let them buy that plastic toy you know will break. It is the best hands-on learning experience you can give them.

How to stop the screen time addiction with your child?

How to stop kids from being consumed by their electronics

From a parent:

I am troubled by how much time kids spend on screens. They have no other hobbies. They complete homework on their laptops, and use whatever time they have left on their phones or playing video games. My kids spend almost nine hours a day on these gadgets.

Response:

If there is one consistent question I get asked when I do a parenting class, it is: “How do I control screen time?”

This is hard to answer. It depends on family expectations and rules, maturity level of the child and how much balance there is in the child’s life.

We want our children to have a variety of activities to enjoy. Screen time can be one of them. In some instances it can be interactive and social because it involves playing games with other kids. The problem is that it seems to suck our kids into a vortex and they can’t remove themselves from it.

Add to that the complexity that comes now that screens are necessary to study and do homework. In the past a parent could take away the phone or computer so that their children did not multi-task and could stay focused on homework. Now it is nearly impossible to decipher between screen time that is needed or optional.

Here are seven ideas to consider:

  1. Set a daily limit of how much screen time your children can have. How much time is up to you, but here are guidelines from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry:

    • Under 18 months - limit to only video chatting along with an adult

    • 18-24 months - limit to watching educational programming with a caregiver

    • 2-5 years - limit non-educational screen time to one hour per weekday and three hours on weekend days

    • 6 years and older - encourage healthy habits and limit screen activity

    • Turn off screens during family meals and outings

    • Use parental controls

    • Do not use screens as pacifiers, babysitters or to stop tantrums

    • Turn off screens and remove them from bedrooms 30-60 minutes before bedtime


2.Think about your children’s maturity level. Generally, younger children need more guidelines and older children should be able to handle more responsibility with their device. That may not always be the case. I told my tween and teen children “You either moderate your screen time or I will moderate it for you.” This helps kids create their own boundaries.

3.The devices they play games on are yours. You have the ability to turn them off or take them. Sure they will be bored and angry with you, but eventually they will find something else to do. 

4.Use the device as a reward. When your children have completed their responsibilities, they can have screen time. You may want to make a chart for younger kids. This teaches children to complete their necessary work before they can relax. This is a life skill that we all use every day.

5.Have a time of the week when you all turn off your phones and do something as a family. Sledding, a movie, games….something that involves the whole family interacting together. If you begin this when your kids are younger it will be part of the family plan. If you start this with older kids they may not like the idea or try to sabotage it. Get their ideas on what they would like to do.

6.If you are wondering what teacher expectations are in regards to lessons and homework on the chromebook reach out. Kids are good at giving you answers that make sense, but may not be the whole story. 

7.Model appropriate screen time behavior. This is probably the hardest of all. We, as the adults, need to put down our phones and screens and interact with our children. It is so easy to tell our kids to put away their phone, but can you?

For more information check out the following websites:

Mayo Clinic - Screen time and children: How to guide your child

Shopping is a nightmare with my child!!

Shopping is a nightmare!

Q: My child had a complete meltdown in the store yesterday. At home it is easy to put her on a timeout, but when I am in public it is much harder to do. Sometimes I just give in to get her to stop screaming. Are there any ways to cope with this?

 A: Children will test the limits when you are in public with them. When kids are in the store they see a variety of things they really “want and need.” They see you shopping and feel as though it is unfair that they should not get something as well. Explaining that toilet paper is something you are buying for the whole family and not just for yourself will fall on deaf ears.

 To alleviate some of the pain of shopping with kids you can do the following:

  • Before you go in the store, remind your children that you will not be buying anything for them.

  • Let them know there will be a consequence if they scream about it. This consequence may be not getting something later, a timeout in their room, not being able to shop with you the next time or leaving the store.

  • If you are going to allow your children to buy something, be sure to tell them ahead of time and give them boundaries. For example, “Today you can pick out a pack of gum to share.” If they whine that they want more, you can tell them, “If you continue to complain about wanting something else then you will lose your gum as well.”

  • Finally, don’t give in! Walk out with a screaming child and carry her, if necessary. Plenty of parents do it. You may find other parents with sympathetic smiles for you because they have been in the same situation. If you give in, there will be another episode the next time you shop.

 

 



Sibling Rivalry...an age old tradition

Battling sibling rivalry – let them work it out

Q: My children fight all the time; they are in a constant battle. I have a 4-year-old, 6-year-old and a middle school student. The 6-year-old often teases the middle school student. I think he should be able to deal with it, but instead he fights back. How can I get this to stop?

A: Sibling rivalry may be one of the most frustrating parts of being a parent. It creates stress and can make home unpleasant. Children fight over just about anything and for any number of reasons including jealousy, power, bruised egos and favor in their parent’s eyes.

  • Remember, most siblings argue. Here are some suggestions:

  • Don’t believe that an older child should “know better.” Assuming that a seventh-grader should refrain from fighting back after the 6-year-old taunts him is unrealistic. Early adolescent children are dealing with feelings of being accepted, identity and the pressure of social expectations. Your older child is much more like the 6-year-old than an adult. He may know better on an intellectual level, but when taunted by the younger child, his emotions kick in. The 6-year-old is quick to learn an older sibling’s weak spot.

  • Don’t listen to tattling. Responding to this will put you in the middle of the battle.

  • Don’t try to get in the middle and referee. You will never win. There is a lot leading up to an argument that as parents we are not aware of. Let them figure it out.

  • Set a few simple rules. No physical fighting, no name calling. Whoever breaks the rules, no matter the reason, will have a punishment.

  • If your children are arguing in front of you, which is usually the case, have them move to another room where you can’t hear it. Without an audience the children will not fight nearly as long or hard.

  • Invite cooperation. Hanging out and doing things together creates fun. In turn, this teaches siblings to enjoy one another. This will not stop the arguing, but it can help.

  • Remember that through their conflict they are learning about how to live with one another. They are learning how to communicate and problem solve, albeit a slow process.

  • Finally, remember back to your childhood and fights with brothers and sisters. It will help balance what you are seeing in your own home.


Using a little Love and Logic (TM) goes a long way

Virtual school is difficult for students and their parents.  There have been many articles written about how this can be done effectively.   This article does a nice job of summarizing some of the main ideas.

Virtual learning is fertile ground for over parenting. This creates a number of emotions including: anger, frustration, confusion, and learned helplessness.  Here are some things to remember that may help reduce stress and add accountability on your child’s part.

  • Your child is capable of doing virtual schooling.  They have been doing it since March.  Although it is challenging it definitely is something that can be done.  If your child is struggling this is a great time to reinforce self advocacy.  Have your child reach out to their teacher  to receive the support they need.  Teachers want to help and when you, as a parent, become your child’s  resource they will rely on you instead of others.

  • Set up expectations.  Let your child know what your expectations are and what the consequences will be if they are not met.  Treat this just like you did in person schooling.  An example of this would be:  “I trust that you are completing your homework.  On Fridays I will check to make sure everything is complete. If it is not complete then  you will be doing that this weekend instead of……(video games, movies etc).  Then, sit back and allow your child to either do, or not do, their homework.  This puts the responsibility on your child where it should be.  

  • When your child is learning from home it is tempting to micromanage them.  If they were at school they would have to manage homework, tests, projects without your help during the day.  During the day allow them the opportunity to work on their own.  If you see that they are not doing their work during the day put into place a natural consequence. An example of this could be:  “when you are done completing all your work  you can use your (phone...video games...go outside…..)  If your child does not always tell the truth you can change the wording and say, “when you show me that your work is complete you can……)

  • Allow your child to ask you a certain amount of questions per day.  This makes them think of other resources they can use to  get answers.  Remember, every time you give an answer you are training them to ask you and not work it out themselves.  

    Don’t let your kids trick you into thinking that they are not capable.  They are.  Allow them to show you!

 


Lets Make It About Us For A Minute

Dear parents ... Let's make it about us for a minute

Can we just pause and take a minute to reflect on the awesomeness of us? Can we talk about how ...

  • our schedules were turned upside down last spring and continue to be so?

  • we are balancing our children and our lives in a world we don’t really know or understand?

  • what used to be a routine week is anything but routine?

  • we have our own fears that we can’t share with our children and instead smile at them and reassure them that everything is good?

  • our own mental health may be challenged with additional stressors?

Despite all these situations, and many others only known to yourself, we power on as parents. Our kids look up to us for answers, for support, for reassurance that life is still wonderful and good.

If you have not done so recently, take a moment to pause and reflect on what you have accomplished. On the power of your job as a parent. On your ability to persevere through trying times and know that you are remarkable.

Here are additional resources you may find useful for your “toolbox.” 

Child Mind Institute The Child Mind Institute is an independent, national nonprofit dedicated to transforming the lives of children and families struggling with mental health and learning disorders. 

Love and Logic Blog The Love and Logic approach to parenting is built around the science of caring and respectful relationships. An authentic, loving connection between parents and their children forms the foundation of good behavior and healthy decision-making.


Starting The School Year With Covid On Our Minds

We are back to school in a fashion that is not familiar. Kids are feeling a wide spectrum of emotions. Some are coming back full of excitement, some are very fearful, some wish they were still at home. This transition is an adjustment on many levels. 


To help the adjustment process here are a few tips for parents:


  • Talk with your children and see how they are feeling about being back to school. Validate their feelings so they feel supported and understood.


  • Remind your children that wearing a mask is important. It is one thing they can do to help them feel more confident and in control of their environment. 


  • Encourage your children to reduce their stress and anxiety with activities they enjoy such as being outside, reading, exercise etc. 


  • Make sure your children are getting a good night's sleep, eating healthy and staying hydrated. It seems simplistic, but it helps sustain strong physical and mental health. 


  • Help your children focus on what they can control. Wearing masks, keeping distance and washing their hands. 


  • Whether your children are in a virtual or in-person learning environment, having a consistent schedule is critical to their mental health. In these changing times having a routine they can rely on provides the stability they need. 


  • Teach coping skills. Simple breathing techniques can help calm children. This is an important life skill. 

Breathing techniques for teens and tweens

Breathing techniques for elementary age students


Virtual learning can bring new challenges and complexities to life. Below is an article focused on high school students. 

How to conquer virtual learning through Covid


The most important thing you can do as a parent is model healthy behavior. If your children see you as anxious and worried they will take those cues from you. Use words that build confidence in your children. This is stressful but we will get through it. This is different but we have tools to help us get through this. This is hard, but we are strong.


As for us parents…..we need to take a deep breath as well because this is hard and we will get through it!


Parent Fatigue

We are all feeling it. Most of us did not sign up to be a teacher all day long while (hopefully) maintaining our jobs that now are being done as best we can from home. Family time is great, but too much family time, along with the normal stress of raising and supporting a family compounded by the impact of a global pandemic can cause stress that none of us have felt before. In addition, many of us are drowning in guilt. Guilt that we aren’t doing enough, doing too much, not doing anything well. We feel guilt for resenting this new situation we are in. We now all dream of that big yellow bus pulling up in front of our homes to whisk our happy children off to school.

Until the day that bus comes back we are all faced with a new reality. I’m sure you’ve seen some of the many tips and tools that have been shared online and the news, etc.. I’ve been spending a lot of time recently reviewing a myriad of resources and suggested “tips and tricks” to deal with this new normal. Some are great - some not so much So in the interest of saving you the time and effort of wading through everything that’s out there I’ve included some of the better advice I've come across along with my personal “tips tricks” below to act as a resource for you.

Tips and Tricks:

By now most of you have created some sort of rhythm to the day with your family. These patterns provide comfort and reduce anxiety for many people. Although consistency is definitely important, it is also recommended to allow some flexibility in your daily routine when needed. We are not living in a predictable world right now so flexibility is key to maintaining balance.

Assign/Maintain Household Chores for your Kids

Most of our children have the ability to help out around the house. With everyone being home make sure you are having your children help with family responsibilities such as dishes, cleaning, garbage etc. With a pandemic each family is a team and we need to help one another through this time.

Be gentle - aka forgiving - with yourself as a parent

These are difficult times. Allow yourself some “me time” to focus on your needs and recharge your batteries.

Allow for flexibility

Maintaining consistency and routines is important, yet at the same time it's important to remember these are truly extraordinary circumstances

If you need to allow some additional screen time for the kids while you get something done for work or if you let them sleep late while you enjoy some rare quiet time - that’s OK.

If you need to bend your own rules or establish some new boundaries - allow yourself the ability to adjust as needed. Remind yourself you are parenting in a situation that has not been experienced by our generation

Adjust your expectations - for yourself and your family. Maintaining your normal expectations for yourself and everyone in the family during these times will only increase stress and anxiety.

Choose your battles

Choose the behaviors that are most important to you and just focus on those. If you don’t you may be spending a lot of your time arguing with your child and no one has the time or energy for that.

Accept the Disappointment and Empathize

Home from college……………...No Prom ………...Sports are cancelled ………..can’t see friends ………………...your kids are disappointed TOO.Most kids are feeling the first real social disappointment they’ve ever experienced outside of the normal ups and downs of friendships and relationships.

As your child shows disappointment in the way life is right now make sure you recognize the loss to be real. Expressing empathy is a great way to open up communication and help your child become more resilient.

But Don’t Let Your Older Kids Shirk their Responsibilities

If your child is older please remember they are fully capable of doing their school work and connecting with their teachers. Make sure you are putting this responsibility on your child. That is one burden that you should not have to carry

If your child has always needed a little more help, choose one time during the day to check their progress.

Set expectations and implement natural consequences. An example of this would be: “I am going to check your work at 3:00. If you have everything complete the afternoon is yours. If not, you have to finish your work before screen/play time” This puts the responsibility of the child and the consequence is there if they choose not to accept that responsibility

REACH OUT!.

To friends and family using online tools like Google Hangouts or Zoom. Download the “House Party” app to have a virtual “Happy Hour”. Call using Facetime instead of just voice for additional interaction. You’ll quickly realize that your friend and family are going through the exact same trials, tribulations and BOREDOM that you are experiencing

Empathy, support, encouragement is what everyone needs right now. Please feel free to reach out directly to me with any questions.

New Normal

Life is nothing like it was two weeks ago.

Everything has changed overnight. What once provided stability to our daily schedule is now upside down. No school bus to catch or school bells ringing to move kids between classes. This adjustment can be quite frightening and anxiety-provoking. The unknown is never comfortable. This new life has also created increased stress in homes as parents work from home while their children school from home.

So what can be done to lessen the stress and fear we may be feeling?

Schedules provide stability and comfort

Schedules create the pattern of our daily life. Try to create a schedule that works for your family in this new situation.

  • When does the school day begin?

  • What time is lunch?

  • When is screen time?

  • What time is bedtime?

Less mobility = more time to engage with your family

Many of us were running from morning until night and now the brakes are on — no athletics, dance recitals or music practice to get to. Now is our time to be with our families. We can enjoy movie nights, puzzles, reading books and playing games. We now have the time - do not waste it!

Time together is not always fun

Carve out time for you and yours to be alone. This is not easy to do with a houseful of people. But, that separation is needed to have a sense of calm. Taking care of yourself allows you to be a happier, healthier caregiver.

Do what you can to feel in control.

  • Control is different for every person. Here are examples of things that may help ground you:

  • Exercise for 30 minutes a day.

  • Meditation alone or through an app like Calm.

  • Clean and disinfect your home.

  • Talk to friends.

  • Cook a healthy meal.

Limit the news

It is easy to get absorbed in the constant updates and negative aspects of the news. Get the information you need and then turn it off. Focus on what is happening in your house with your family. Focus on what you can control.

Answer children’s questions with empathy

Kids are looking to parents for answers. This is hard because we have not been through this before. Answers don't always come easily. Here's what you can do:

  • Talk to your children about the outbreak and ways they can be safe. This gives them a sense of control.

  • Provide & share facts

  • Tell them that it is normal to be stressed and share with them the things you do to make yourself feel safe and less stress.

If your child already has been diagnosed with anxiety or depression, this may make it more difficult. The CDC provides a list of what to watch for in children that may mean they are struggling. They include:

  • Excessive crying or irritation in younger children

  • Returning to behaviors they have outgrown, i.e., toileting accidents or bedwetting

  • Excessive worry or sadness

  • Unhealthy eating or sleeping habits

  • Irritability and acting-out behaviors in teens

  • Poor school performance or avoiding school

  • Difficulty with attention and concentration

  • Avoidance of activities enjoyed in the past

  • Unexplained headaches or body pain

  • Use of alcohol, tobacco, or other drugs

Please be sure children use school resources. Teachers and staff are still working and are here to support students. Make sure they reach out to their teachers; this can be comforting. They realize that the people they have been seeing everyday in the past are still there for them.

Finally, be patient. Everyone is trying to figure out this new way of living. We as a community are all in this together, and together we will make this work.

Be well.