Adolescent FAQs
Adolescence is a challenging time. As kids mature and grow parenting must change as well. It is normal for these “young adults” to become more independent, less communicative and even defiant. Knowing how to deal with these challenges can help alleviate some of the stress.
Talking to my teen is impossible!
Q: I try to talk to my daughter. I want to know what is going on in her life. I feel like any time I try to talk to her we either end up fighting or she doesn’t answer. What can I do to change this?
A: Parenting an adolescent is hard. “Why is it so difficult to get along?” is a question many parents ask themselves. Answering this question is twofold. On one hand you have to look at how to get your child to feel comfortable communicating with you and on the other hand you have to learn how to make your home life more peaceful.
Here are some ideas for your teen:
Teens like to talk on their terms. Try not to “pry” until they are ready to talk.
Be ready to talk when they talk. It is often at the most unusual times.
Use open-ended questions that they have to respond to with more than a “yes” or “no.”
When your teen does open up, try not to be judgmental about what he or she is telling you.
Model communication by trying to engage your child.
Find issues that you and your child are interested in.
Find the time in the day when your child is most likely to talk. For many, that means when you are driving in the car or before they go to bed.
Here are some ideas for your home life:
When conflicts do arise, really listen to what your child is saying. Try not to interrupt or show your impatience.
If your discussion becomes too heated, take a break and talk about it later.
Spend time with your child alone.
If you need to discuss a difficult subject, try talking at a restaurant. This provides a more neutral ground.
Be willing to compromise.
Find time for yourself. Parenting a teen is really hard work. Talking with friends helps ease the stress and you can gain new ideas.
Laugh. Sometimes it is the only thing you can do.Q: My eighth grade daughter never talks to me anymore. Is that normal? How do I get her to talk?
A: I met with a group of girls today and asked them these questions. Here are the answers – directly from the mouths of the experts.
I just want to talk with my teen like we used to!
Q: I need some tips to get my daughter to talk with me. It seems like I only get one word answers and I am always annoying. Is that normal?
A: Yes!
Why?
We are growing up and need to be more independent.
If we tell our parents something they might yell at us or ground us.
They will not keep it private.
We don’t want them to share our conversations with their friends and get the story mixed up.
They might not trust us anymore.
It is kids’ gossip, and parents should not talk about kids’ gossip.
How should parents talk to their adolescent children?
Don’t always ask us questions. Let us come to you.
Don’t assume that we will make the same mistakes that you did.
Don’t automatically assume the worst
Trust our decisions and let us learn by our mistakes
When we make mistakes, don’t pass judgment and don’t rub it in.
Guide us.
Let us grow up.
Listen to us without responding in a negative way. Then we don’t want to talk anymore.
Don’t compare us to other kids or siblings. We are all different.
Have some mother-daughter time, but don’t call it that because that is lame.
Do something that we both enjoy, but don’t force it. Let it come naturally.
The common themes that emerge from their statements are to:
allow your children to talk to you when they are comfortable;
let your children know you are always available;
listen without making judgments;
keep what your children tell you confidential – do not share it; and
make time for your children – they want to talk, but not on command.
Who is in charge??
Q: I feel like I am constantly under the direction of my son. He is in High School and cannot drive so I am always driving him. I want t o allow him to be social, but I can’t be on his every beck and call. What can I do? I have 2 other kids that need me too!
A: Kids become much more social in High School and this is a good thing. This does take a lot of coordinating of the family schedule. This does not mean that your child has to attend every social event. When teens plan activities they often plan them spontaneously, without thought to the logistic (or the family).
Create rules and boundaries so your family remains sane. This could be a 24 hour rule. This means that plans must be established and confirmed 24 hours before they happen. Having a family calendar which is shared will allow you teen to show his schedule affects the whole family. Finally, don’t be afraid to say “no”. Your child will learn they are one part of a family puzzle….and as much as they don’t want to believe it….the world is really not all about them.
How to communicate with an adolescent
Q: My eighth grade daughter never talks to me anymore. Is that normal? How do I get her to talk?
A: I met with a group of girls today and asked them these questions. Here are the answers – directly from the mouths of the experts.
Is it normal for eighth-graders to not talk to their parents? Yes!
Why?
We are growing up and need to be more independent.
If we tell our parents something they might yell at us or ground us.
They will not keep it private.
We don’t want them to share our conversations with their friends and get the story mixed up.
They might not trust us anymore.
It is kids’ gossip, and parents should not talk about kids’ gossip.
How should parents talk to their adolescent children?
Don’t always ask us questions. Let us come to you.
Don’t assume that we will make the same mistakes that you did.
Don’t automatically assume the worst
Trust our decisions and let us learn by our mistakes
When we make mistakes, don’t pass judgment and don’t rub it in.
Guide us.
Let us grow up.
Listen to us without responding in a negative way. Then we don’t want to talk anymore.
Don’t compare us to other kids or siblings. We are all different.
Have some mother-daughter time, but don’t call it that because that is lame.
Do something that we both enjoy, but don’t force it. Let it come naturally.
The common themes that emerge from their statements are to:
allow your children to talk to you when they are comfortable;
let your children know you are always available;
listen without making judgments;
keep what your children tell you confidential – do not share it; and
make time for your children – they want to talk, but not on command.
Is my child depressed?
Q: How do I know if my child is depressed or just going through normal teen behavior?
A: Behavior for teenagers can be anything but normal. Between mood swings, melancholy and the need to distance from parents, it is difficult to differentiate between depression and normal teen behavior.
Teenagers who are depressed do not always act sad. Sometimes depression appears as anger, irritability, risk-taking behavior or rage. Here are some signs that could indicate your child may be suffering from depression:
change in sleep patterns, eating habits or grades
withdrawal from friends or family
lack of interests
frequent crying
lack of energy
difficulty concentrating
thoughts of suicide
If your child experiences these behaviors consistently, you should seek outside help. Calling your family doctor for an appointment or 211, a referral and information line that connects people with important community services, can be a first step. Your doctor or mental health professionals will want to know what behaviors your child had shown and for how long in order to guide you to the next appropriate step.
If you suspect your child is depressed, here are some helpful tips about talking to teenagers
Let your children know that you are worried about them and you want to support them. Be there for them.
Many teenagers don’t want to talk about their depression. Don’t ask a lot of questions and force them to talk. If you push too hard they will pull back even farther.
When your children want to talk, be available and listen. Passing judgments or lecturing them will make them stop talking so allow them to talk freely. Acknowledging their pain is what they need from you.
In a crisis situation in which you fear for your child’s life, you can get immediate help by calling the police or going to the emergency room.
Are you arguing with your child?
Q: Is it normal for my child to constantly argue with me? Sometimes I feel like I am arguing with as a child myself? Everything's an argument and I am always wrong.
A: Yes, it is normal for your child to always argue with you. And you are right; it feels like arguing with a young child. You are dealing with “adolescent egocentrism,” and most adolescents go through it. It is the belief among adolescents that they should get what they want no matter what. They are focused on their end goal, and no matter what you say, you will not be able to convince them otherwise.
How do you deal with this? Don’t engage in the argument. Here are some tips to help you through:
State your answer and explain your reasoning one time.
Listen to what your child has to say.
Respond with empathy and restate your reasoning.
Don’t discuss it again.
In real life it looks something like this:
“Mom, I want to stay out until 11:30 after the dance.”
“No, the rule is that you are home by 10:30.”
“That is not fair because all of my friends get to stay out later.”
“I understand that, and I am sure it is not fun coming home earlier, but our rule is that you must be home by 10:30.”
STOP DISCUSSING
It is at this point that your children will want to engage you in an argument. There is no reason to argue because you are not changing your mind. If you do not respond, there is no one with whom they can argue.
THE PROBLEM
They are relentless. It will be hard not to re-engage in the argument. Do whatever you can so that you do not fight back. Eventually your children will learn that you won’t argue.
How to communicate with an adolescent
Q: My eighth grade daughter never talks to me anymore. Is that normal? How do I get her to talk?
A: I met with a group of girls today and asked them these questions. Here are the answers – directly from the mouths of the experts.
Is it normal for eighth-graders to not talk to their parents? Yes!
Why?
We are growing up and need to be more independent.
If we tell our parents something they might yell at us or ground us.
They will not keep it private.
We don’t want them to share our conversations with their friends and get the story mixed up.
They might not trust us anymore.
It is kids’ gossip, and parents should not talk about kids’ gossip.
How should parents talk to their adolescent children?
Don’t always ask us questions. Let us come to you.
Don’t assume that we will make the same mistakes that you did.
Don’t automatically assume the worst
Trust our decisions and let us learn by our mistakes
When we make mistakes, don’t pass judgment and don’t rub it in.
Guide us.
Let us grow up.
Listen to us without responding in a negative way. Then we don’t want to talk anymore.
Don’t compare us to other kids or siblings. We are all different.
Have some mother-daughter time, but don’t call it that because that is lame.
Do something that we both enjoy, but don’t force it. Let it come naturally.
The common themes that emerge from their statements are to:
allow your children to talk to you when they are comfortable;
let your children know you are always available;
listen without making judgments;
keep what your children tell you confidential – do not share it; and
make time for your children – they want to talk, but not on command.